Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”

* * *

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

They agreed this is a good idea.

The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.

The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

* * *

A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.

The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”

* * *

When anyone asked the elderly spinster why she had not married, she answered:

“I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?”

* * *

“Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”

“Hmmmm.

* * *

“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”

“When did this happen?”

“When did what happen?”

* * *

The difference between dogs and cats.