Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden[50 - downtrodden – угнетённый] expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied.

* * *

We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters[51 - banging on a million typewriters – беспорядочно печатающих на миллионе печатных машинок] will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

* * *

“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”

“Finding half a maggot!”

* * *

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

* * *

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”

One man stepped forward. “Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.

“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.[52 - we’re one short – у нас одного не хватает]”

* * *

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

* * *

A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at a park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.

“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”

“What did you do?” the little girl asked.

“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me.