Шоколад / Chocolat

”

“It’s all right to feel this way,” I tell him firmly. “It’s allowed.”

Beneath us, Charly barks his indignation.

We made close to three hundred francs today. For the first time, enough to break even. I told Anouk when she came home from school, but she looked distracted, her bright face unusually still. Her eyes were heavy, dark as the cloudline of an oncoming storm.

I asked her what was wrong.

“It’s Jeannot.” Her voice was toneless. “His mother says he can’t play with me any more.”

I remembered Jeannot as Wolf Suit in the Mardi Gras carnival, a lanky seven-year-old with shaggy hair and a suspicious expression.

“Oh?” Neutrally. “What does she say?”

“She says I’m a bad influence.” She flicked a dark glance at me. “Because we don’t go to church. Because you opened on Sunday.

You opened on Sunday.

I looked at her. I wanted to take her in my arms, but her rigid, hostile stance alarmed me. I made my voice very calm.

“And what does Jeannot think?” I asked gently.

“He can’t do anything. She’s always there. Watching.” Anouk’s voice rose shrilly and I guessed she was close to tears. “Why does this always have to happen?” she demanded. “Why don’t I ever-”

She broke off with an effort, her thin chest hitching.

“You have other friends.”

It was true; there had been four or five of them last night, the square ringing with their catcalls and laughter.

“Jeannot’s friends.”

I saw what she meant. Louis Clairmont. Lise Poitou. Hisfriends. Without Jeannot the group would soon disperse. I felt a sudden pang for my daughter, surrounding herself with invisible friends to people the spaces around her. Selfish, to imagine that a mother could fill that space completely. Selfish and blind.

“We could go to church, if that’s what you want.” My voice was gentle.

Accusingly, “Why not? They don’t believe. They don’t care about God. They just go.”

I smiled then, not without some bitterness. Six years old, and she still manages to surprise me with the depth of her occasional perception.

“That may be true,” I said. “But do you want to be like that?”

A shrug, cynical and indifferent. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, as if in fear of a lecture.