Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes

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– Why did you leave your last job?

– The company relocated and they didn’t tell me where.

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Once a young man went shopping and bought himself a pair of trousers. When he got home, he went to his bedroom and tried them on.[4 - and tried them on – и примерил их] He found they were far too long. He went downstairs where his mother and his two sisters were waiting for dinner. «The new trousers are too long,» he said. «They need shortening.[5 - They need shortening. – Их нужно укоротить.

The dinner was over and his mother shortened the trousers. But she did not mention about it to her daughters.

Then the elder sister remembered her brother’s request. She was a kind person and wanted to help her brother, so she considerably shortened the trousers.

When the younger sister returned home from the cinema, she suddenly remembered what her brother asked them. So she hurried upstairs and cut a piece off[6 - cut a piece off – отрезала по куску] each leg of the new trousers.

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Teacher: I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense.

Student: You will go to jail.

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An energetic American tourist came to visit the Warwick Castle[7 - Warwick Castle – Уорикский замок (средневековый замок в центральной Англии)] in England. When the doorkeeper appeared, the American was studying his guide-book.

«Tell me,» the American said to the caretaker, «is that famous vase still here?» (shows its photo in the guide-book).

«Yes, sir,» was the reply.

«And the table that costs 10,000 dollars?»

«Yes, sir.»

«And do you still have that portrait of Charles I?[8 - Charles I – Карл I (король Англии, Шотландии и Ирландии в XVII в.)]»

«Oh yes, sir,» said the doorkeeper, «they are all here. Will you come in and see them?»

«No, I won’t, I have no time to lose,» replied the visitor. «As they are here right now and I saw them in my guide-book I can continue to visit other castles and museums.

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A man placed an advertisement «Wife wanted[10 - Wife wanted – Ищу жену]». The next day he received hundreds of replies, all saying «You can have mine».

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Men go shopping[11 - go shopping – ходят за покупками] to find what they want… Women go shopping to find out[12 - find out – понять] what they want.