The Twelve Chairs / Двенадцать стульев. Книга для чтения на английском языке

He actually beat McMahon in the Derby by a whole length. Terrific! … But then Kurochkin-heard of him? – noticed that all the horses of the Orloff breed were losing their coats, while Broker, the darling, stayed the same colour. There was an unheard-of scandal. The count got three years. It turned out that Broker wasn't an Orloff at all, but a crossbreed that had been dyed. Crossbreeds are much more spirited than Orloffs and aren't allowed within yards of them! Which? There's a dye for you! Not quite like your moustache!»

В«But what about the pedigree? You said it was a good oneВ».

В«Just like the label on your bottle of Titanic-counterfeit! Give me the money for the dyeВ».

Ostap came back with a new mixture.

«It's called �Naiad'. It may be better than the Titanic. Take your coat off!»

The ceremony of re-dyeing began. But the В«Amazing chestnut colour making the hair soft and fluffyВ» when mixed with the green of the Titanic unexpectedly turned Ippolit Matveyevich's head and moustache all colours of the rainbow.

Vorobyaninov, who had not eaten since morning, furiously cursed all the perfumeries, both those state-owned and the illegal ones on Little Arnaut Street in Odessa.

В«I don't suppose even Aristide Briand had a moustache like thatВ», observed Ostap cheerfully. В«However, I don't recommend living in Soviet Russia with ultra-violet hair like yours. It will have to be shaved offВ».

В«I can't do thatВ», said Ippolit Matveyevich in a deeply grieved voice.

В«Why? Has it some association or other?В»

В«I can't do thatВ», repeated Vorobyaninov, lowering his head.

В«Then you can stay in the caretaker's room for the rest of your life, and I'll go for the chairs. The first one is upstairs, by the wayВ».

В«All right, shave it then!В»

Bender found a pair of scissors and in a flash snipped off the moustache, which fell silently to the floor. When the hair had been cropped, the technical adviser took a yellowed Gillette razor from his pocket and a spare blade from his wallet, and began shaving Ippolit Matveyevich, who was almost in tears by this time.

В«I'm using my last blade on you, so don't forget to credit me with two roubles for the shave and haircutВ».

В«Why so expensive?В» Ippolit managed to ask, although he was convulsed with grief. В«It should only cost forty kopeksВ».

В«For reasons of security, Comrade Field Marshal!В» promptly answered Ostap.