Английские анекдоты / English Jokes

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An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up.[37 - hangs up – вешает трубку]

The son calls his sister, who goes nuts[38 - goes nuts – сходит с ума] upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow.

Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

* * *

One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.

“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”

“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.

”

“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”

* * *

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

“Da-ad…” “What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?[39 - a drink of water – глоток воды]” “No. You had your chance. Lights out![40 - Lights out! – Гасим свет!]”

Five minutes later:

“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”

“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”

Five minutes later…

“WHAT?!”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

* * *

John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday.

His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”

He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”

* * *

“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it.

What should I do to prevent it?”

“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”

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A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep[41 - falls asleep – засыпает] in the chair.